The Eye of the Storm

We almost always write about a storm, once it has passed over. We tell of God's faithfulness and wonderful power. In hindsight, we tell of the darkness of that storm, but mainly focus on the glorious outcome. And indeed, we should. But as I sit here this morning, I am smack in the middle of a very dark storm in my life. I feel the need to write about it now.

The specifics of storms won't matter to the reader. We all have storms specific to our lives, and all of our lives are different. But whatever the storm, the effects of it, we share, it may be to different degrees, it depends of the severity of the storm. Nevertheless, a storm is a very difficult and hard thing to bear. Physically it is tiring. My body hurts all over. My muscles seem to stay tense. My throat is constantly dry, and I feel as though I have swallowed a grapefruit whole, and it is forever lodged in my throat. My stomach constantly churns. Food is not a welcome sight to me at this point. It is a chore, but I know I must keep my strength up, so I try to eat. As a result, I have lost some weight.

Emotionally, I am on a roller coaster. It's as though I am on a cliff, hanging by the tips of my fingers, and at any moment, I will fall. My body burns and feels anxious. Usually to the point that I must be moving or doing something at all times to calm that feeling down. There is not too much rest during a storm, I sleep due to exhaustion at the end of the day. My mind welcomes any diversion, no matter how great or small. I find myself taking deep breaths more often, as if someone is squeezing my midsection, and I cannot breathe. I cry at the drop of a hat. And the tears seem to find me at awkward times, and for no apparent reason. For instance, I was mowing yesterday, my mind and body were focused on mowing.... and out of nowhere, as I turned the mower around, I found my face suddenly contorted, and hot tears going down my cheeks. I find myself constantly telling myself to stay calm, to hold on, to only focus on life minute by minute.

Spiritually, I am numb. Heaven has seemingly turned to brass, no prayers seem to be escaping the ceiling of my prayer closet. I don't feel my Father's comforting arm, I don't feel the Holy Spirit that is dwelling inside of me. I force my eyes to read His Word, and I find a constant pleading, begging prayer escaping my lips, under my breath. I feel as alone, as if I were on an island by myself, with only oceans as my view.

I feel at any moment, I could implode on myself, and also, I feel that at any moment, I could explode any one. I constantly am keeping myself in check, so I won't say something I will regret to those I love. Questions of all shapes and sizes seem to fill my head. Scenerios of all kinds... some good, some bad... fill my head, things I should do, or could do, due to this storm. As a child, while playing hide and seek, I remember thinking that a closet would be a good place to hide. I remember the darkness, the stillness, not able to see anything, and feeling the tightness of the small room, and all the clothes pressing up against me. I feel that way now. It must be how food feels in a pressure cooker! The devil is reeking havoc in my mind, which is an enormous battlefield.

So, what keeps me hanging on? How am I still sane, instead of lying in a gutter, drunk or high, or in a psychiatric hospital, or worse, the funeral home due to suicide? Well, I'm standing on the Truth. I know that when I cannot stand, He holds me up. A wonderful friend of mine, describes it in a lovely way. She says that you must pour a foundation in the sunshine. What does that mean? Well, when the storm clouds are no where to be found, life is good, and the sun is shining bright, that's when you stay close to God. That is when you read and study the Bible, hide it's truths in your heart. Pray everyday, and seek God while He may be found. It's real easy not to do this....because we are human, and when things are going good, we tend to leave God behind. But, if I had left Him behind, then I would be standing in a miry mud puddle right now. Because I have stayed faithful to Christ, I am standing on concrete, even though all the world is pouring down on me.

When the anxiety rises, it seems that a peace comes in a pushes it back down. Isaiah 40:28-31, is a favorite of mine, and I keep holding on to it: "Hast thou not known?hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary: there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall.; But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." I read Psalm 71, and use it as my prayer. Even though I feel nothing.... I must continue to read my Bible and pray.........Christianity does not depend on my 'feelings'... it depends on the truth of His Word.

So, physically, I continue to eat, even though it is hard to swallow something around a grapefruit lodged in your throat, I go on a lot of walks, that helps physically and emotionally. I am relying on some wonderful friends right now, and I am holding on to His truths. He cannot lie, and no matter how I feel, how in the dark I am.. His Word is still the truth! I keep praying and talking to my Father, I don't feel as if He is a million miles around right now.....but, His Word says that he will never leave me nor forsake me.... so even though I cannot see, He is somewhere in the shadows. He says that He will never put more on us than we can bear. Even though the devil tells me that this is it......that is a lie, and he is the father of lies! I have to remain focused, and know that I cannot listen to all the tales spinning in my mind, because my mind is the devil's playground, and he is a liar!

Here I am, in the eye of the storm, I do not know how it will end. But I know it will end. The sun will come out in my life again, and when it does, I will see that Jesus was with me through it all. He doesn't just get us by.... He sees us through. I will lift up my hands, and I will praise Him in this storm! Do I feel like praising? Definitely not. But, He has done so much for me, He went all the way to the cross, and died alone, for me..... for ME! So, I will praise Him, and I will trust Him, for He lifts up my head.